Yeah, you heard me—The Melbourne Cup, a horse race, is golf-phobic.
Exciting new technological advances for masturbation. No word on if/when the developers will release a TYSO in pink (specifically for those LaydeePeens). Certainly, if they don’t, their twanzphobia is showing and they should DIAF.
We are often told by the Twanz how hard it is to be twanz. Here is one such case!
Awww bless. At this point I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, it is Maybelline, being all twanzmisogynist, and applying the eyeshadow in goth format, when clearly this is sparkly to match the tiara, and dammit Maybelline, get with the programme and express his innerlaydeefeels!
Well, not only am I a twanzsquirrel, and twanzbillionaire—I am also a twanzolympicgoldmedalist too! Yes that is correct, my loyal fans (obviously as a twanzbillionaire, it would be wrong for me to do anything myself, I have minions) to start a petition on Change.org for the IOC to award me olympic medals. Here is my proof, I have already been on more cereal boxes than any other olympian:
That is well over FIVE cereal boxes over the years. FIVE. Now look at this
clown, I mean laydeeclown:
Of course, when I was a young squirrel (remember, I have always felt like a squirrel inside, nay, I always was a squirrel inside), I would sneak into my mother’s
bedroom branch, thread acorns on a string, and pretend I had just won an olympic medal or seven. No, don’t be asking me about squirrelwanking, this was always a genuine knowing that I was a medal-winning olympian inside. Just look at me competing in the olympics over the years:
So clearly, I can prove that I won loads and loads of olympic medals, and the IOC are not recognising my jendah (as twanzolympicgoldmedalist) by denying me my medals!
The IOC need to take innerfweelings most seriously. There is a petition up to recognise Laydee Jendah’s always-woman-inside:
Dear International Olympic Committee,
It has recently come to light that gold medalist Bruce Jenner is in fact transgender, and therefore, identifies as a woman. We congratulate Ms. Jenner on these new developments and wish her the best. However, this creates somewhat of a problem as Ms. Jenner (as talented as she is) claims that she has always believed herself to be truly female, and therefore, was in violation of committee rules regarding women competing in men’s sports and vice versa. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart that we must ask whether or not it is proper that Ms. Jenner should retain her olympic records in light of this, as we must now either claim that Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner are two entirely different people (which we know is not true), or that Bruce Jenner was, in fact, a woman participating in a men’s event. It is only fair to all involved that women receive their credit as champions of the Decathalon and that the men racing Ms. Jenner are not expected to compete with a superior, streamlined being such as herself.
We urge Ms. Jenner to support the transgender community by giving up the medals earned by competing against the wrong gender.
Thank you, and congratulations to Ms. Jenner for her courage!
Well, the IOC twanzphobically responded:
The International Olympic Committee has made its first statement about Caitlyn Jenner’s transition to a woman, responding to an online petition requesting that the organization, which runs the Olympic Games, revoke the gold medal Caitlyn (then Bruce) won during the 1976 Montreal Olympics.
In its response to the petition, IOC Communications Director Mark Adams tells Yahoo, “Bruce Jenner won his gold medal in the 1976 Olympic Games and there is no issue for the IOC.”
Clearly the mostest twanzphobic response ever, not recognising Laydee Jendah’s always-a-woman-inside!
They went on to cover their medal-withholding-from-true-squirrel-champion-asses with:
The IOC has had difficulty in the past defining the difference between men and women as it pertains to athletic competition. While it’s rare, several athletes — mostly women — have been found to have genetic anomalies which place them somewhere in between traditional labels of “male” and “female.” In 2012, the IOC announced it would allow transgender athletes to compete against their chosen peers, assuming they meet three criteria: the athlete must have had gender reassignment surgery, the athlete must have legal recognition of his or her assigned gender in his or her home country, and the athlete must have completed at least two years of hormone therapy.
Wait, I thought the IOC was down on hormones and drugs? Well, I guess we will be seeing a bit more of this in coming olympics:
Speaking of laydee bras, apparently Laydee Jendah wore one in 1976, when collecting the medal that clearly should have been mine:
So I found a close-up, of what was under that laydee trackie:
Of course, Laydee Jendah was married three times,
fathering laydee-fathering six children to the three wives (two apiece!). Looking back on the photos, it is clear why the first two marriages were relatively short:
Ah, but with Wifey 3, loads of bras and dresses for Laydee Jendah to wear and frollick about in! When Laydee Jendah sick of those, daughters’ wardrobes were just begging for the frollicking inner-woman funsies! Phew!
But then Laydee Jendah got sick of frollicking funsies, and after splitting with Wifey 3, had to make do with a Malibu “pad”, worth a mere $3.5m! So we can see, this was so totally not about crossing wifey/daughtery boundaries, this was about poverty! Alterations were desperately needed to that $3.5m Malibu shack, including the “Glam Room” and walk-in closet!
Clearly, we can see why Laydee Jendah had to suffer all those years, dipping into wives’ and daughters’ closet—this is a shack on a hill! Oh the poor thing. I don’t know how Laydee Jendah is going to make ends meet, really I don’t!
Of course, like a true laydee, our Laydee Jendah seems shy of late, being photographed in a bra.
Here is how Laydee Jendah looks now:
Anyway IOC, I do want my medals, they are mine. Please send to:
Mx D Squirrel
1 Oaktree Lane