The twagic tail of the twanzbillionaire


Yes, this post is gunna be about MEEEEEEE!

You see, I am not only a twanzsquirrel, but also a twanzbillionaire too. Yet everyone treats me like a human female with modest means.

I can’t help being a twanzbillionaire – I was born this way. I am a rich person/twanzsquirrel, trapped in a poorer person’s body.

Every time people don’t treat me with the respect that a twanzbillionaire should have, I want to commit suicide.

I should be eating lobster and champagne dinners every night, to acknowledge my true inner self, but instead… beans on toast!

Every time I have to drive myself in my very small and old secondhand car, instead of a stretch limo, I die a little inside. The world is not treating me like the billionaire I know that I truly am.

So many transgenders are getting gender-reaffirming surgery, sometimes subsidised or part-subsidised. Where is my billionaire-affirming help? I need it. This is not a choice. I have to have it, or I will just die.

I don’t even have a yacht. I need a yacht to affirm my inner billionairism. It is just murder living like this.

The cis-billionaires all make fun of me at the Country Club. They say I am not like them, will never be one of them, when I know that I am exactly like them in every way, but I just don’t have any money. Why are they being so mean to me?

So please donate to my cause. Every million will help in my billionaire-affirmation procedure. I need this procedure. I knew from the age of two that I was really a billionaire inside.

Someone had better create a petition and fundraiser for me, I am so oppressed as a twanzbillionaire, I don’t have any servants to cater to my every whim.

This is a matter of life and death!

16 thoughts on “The twagic tail of the twanzbillionaire

    1. DaveSquirrel Post author

      I am so sorry to hear that, Your Royal Highness, I can identify with that. People are just mean not acknowledging our sacred inner identitahs. It’s a HATE CRIME.


  1. Hecuba

    Yess!!!! It is a hate crime when twanzsquirrel is not recognised as both a twanzsquirrel and a twanzbillionaire. Poor Nuclearnight she too is twansroyal but no one will recognise this fact. Wah me too I am really a wolf but why does everyone say I am not?? I have the right to be identified as a wolf if I say so and how dare anyone say otherwise!

    Oh and moon is made of green cheese because I say it is and the male scientists are wrong!


  2. joehalstead74

    Comments are actually still OPEN on the day of posting? Your last article was closed practically the same day 😛

    As to this post, I recognize and agree with the point you’re making, I enjoyed your approach to it.

    Your blog, in general, has really opened my eyes. There were a lot of considerations and controversies surrounding the issue of trangeder….-ality? (dunno) that I never knew about, particularly the harm to women.

    As an evil member of the white cis-menz, however, I gotta tell ya that I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea that The Patriarchy and transgendered people are on the same side. I don’t think any single group has done as much or tried as hard to marginalize transgendered citizens as white men, to be honest. If anyone is tired of their internalized homophobia and body dysmorphia being characterized as a need to put on a dress and invade female spaces, it’s people like me.

    I have a daughter. I care about her very much, as you’d guess. I want her to be safe.

    I think the most you could say is that M2F trannies are, well, MEN, and as such, most of them haven’t been raised to treat women any better than our patriarchal society has taught them to. But that doesn’t put them in some sort of alliance with me, nor does it make them an active, purposeful tool of The Patriarchy. That would be a highly-elaborate scheme…create and promote a brand-new way to harm women where they thought they were safest (bathrooms, for example), but make sure to appear as if we’re doing everything possible to destroy our hot, new weapon in our war against women? Nah….those trannies are men acting like unfortunately-traditional men, nothing more. The biggest problem is that they’re men with probably one of three possible causes for their dissatisfaction, and they’re not addressing those causes.

    I do enjoy this blog, I don’t mind having my world challenged a bit, and I’m glad to see you’re blogging again.



    1. DaveSquirrel Post author

      I was tempted to edit down your mansplaining ramble to first and last paragraphs.

      Comments are actually still OPEN on the day of posting? Your last article was closed practically the same day

      I had that setting on whilst I was on extended hiatus, and forgot to amend it. It is now amended currently to two weeks.


  3. blackmetalvalkyrie

    I’m a trans heavy metal lead guitarist, and I find it highly offensive when people boo me off the stage when I do air guitar solos. It’s not my fault I’m oppressed by my lack of guitar and playing skills! People should start a fundraiser to pay for a guitar, guitar accessories and private lessons. I then DEMAND to be let into the band Slayer because I don’t feel safe anywhere else and other bands will commit the act of violence which is not acknowledging my identity as a legendary guitarist. You cis guitarists have so much privilege!


  4. survivorthriver

    Unbelievable discrimination that you have to eat beans on toast when you are a twanzbillionaire! The trauma! Cisbillioinaires should stop everything, invite you to the podium, and let you address the Club of Rome, the Federal Reserve board, Barclays, Mr. Dimon at Chase and be made to call you Twanzbillionaire and provide access to their private lunchrooms, or else! grrrrr


    1. DaveSquirrel Post author

      yes, I was repeatedly excluded from cis-billionaire luncheons. One time when trying desperately to attend (to affirm my sacred inner identitah as a twanzbillionaire), someone had the nerve to tell me “the staff entrance is that way”. I mean, zmog, how embarrassing and humiliating that *I* should be treated in such a manner, that they did not recognise my ‘true self’?! Did they not know that their attitude towards me was a hooman rights violation of the greatest magnitude?

      Those fucking twanzbillionairephobes, they should DIAF*.

      *As the member of a made-up oppressed group, I have the right, nay duty, to issue death threats to anyone who does not agree with me


      1. survivorthriver

        It hurts, it rilly rilly hurts how twanzbillionairephobes repress your very very sacred chosen identity. I feels it!

        As long as our private bank, the Federal Reserve, is printing up new batches of greenbacks every day – mebbe they could float a few wheel barrows of ’em your way in recompense!

        Twanzbillioinaire repatriations! For the pain and suffering you have had to endure.

        DO twanzbillionaires get a check-box on Facebook yet?

        I am such a fan of yours, and a wholehearted Squirrelly devotee.


  5. parallelexistence

    I actually had beans on toast for dinner today. Only problem was that as they came out of the tin they declared themselves to be steak and chips. Oh no, says I, you are in fact boiled haricots in a tomatoey sauce. Have now been “no platformed” from Sainsburys for hate speech against their savoury treats and the rights of legumes everywhere to identify as they wish.


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