Young woman posts problem on internutz ‘ask’ forum, outlining a recent discovery about her boyfriend, and wants to know how to handle it. Thanks to The Crafty One for the link.
Here it is:
How do I deal with my boyfriend’s secret?
I have accidentally discovered my boyfriend’s secret fetish. He is ashamed and upset. I’m terrified of losing him. Please help me navigate this. (Some details NSFW.)
Some background: my boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We’re compatible on many, many levels and I love him to pieces. I’ve also recently taken a job in his city and have moved in with him while I find my own place.
Yesterday I was using his computer when I came upon a number of pictures saved to his desktop. They were a cam shot of a young teenage girl (about 16-17) and what appeared to be a screenshot of the girl on webcam with a guy, who was masturbating. There was also a text file containing verious biographical details of girls – names, ages, birthdays etc.
When I asked him about it, he became very upset and admitted to me that sometimes he likes to pretend to be young girls on webcam/adult chat sites. He creates fake profiles to talk to guys and masturbates while they’re chatting. Apparently he finds it exciting that the guys don’t know he’s not a girl and that they’re getting turned on by him. He always ends the sessions by pretending to be the girls’ parent “discovering” the chat. These chats take place maybe once a week, when he’s bored and looking for (his words) “a shallow masturbation session”.
He was incredibly, deeply distraught that I had found out about this, explaining that he had never wanted anyone to find out. He told me that he considers it to be wrong and shameful. I tried to reassure him that I don’t think that it’s wrong and that I care for him and will support him always. I am very open-minded about sexual stuff, and so long as he’s not hurting anybody I don’t consider this to be a deal-breaker. He’s still the same person I met and fell in love with, and far be it from me to judge how he choses to get himself off. However, he believes that he has been doing something bad, for which he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He is also upset because I was cheated on in my last relationship and he considers his secret a breach of trust. He can’t stand knowing that I know about it.
I love him and I want him to be happy. I feel perfectly fine with him expressing his sexuality however he wants to and would support his decision, even if he wants it to be private from me. But I’m absolutely terrified that if I’m not careful it will drive a wall between us.
AskMe – how do I handle this? Is there a way I can reassure him that his fetish isn’t something he should be ashamed of? Or is this something he should come to in his own time? How do I go about discussing this with him as helpfully as possible?
Well yes, I probably gave my assessment away in the post title!
Firstly, “fetish” of any kind is not a static situation. It is almost always indulged, increases and solidifies over time. However, this one isn’t really a standalone fetish, but something a bit deeper, and most will see the rather obvious repressed homosexuality expressing itself.
Back in Ye Olden Days, a dude with repressed homosexual leanings would probably have continued to maintain an outwardly het lifestyle, including getting married and having kids. Frequently he would still have secretive homosexual liaisons on the side. Most of these marriages would end in middle age when he got the ‘courage’ to come out – unless he was in a high-profile job of some sort, then the charade would continue.
Zeph’s recent post, The Sex Class, outlines why the charade continues:
Men’s primary focus socially and sexually, is men.
The patriarchal taboo against homosexuality is not based on disapproval of the act, on the contrary the act is covertly encouraged in all patriarchies. The taboo is based on men making a public (in front of women) display of it, and therefore giving the game away. The game that women alone are sexually desirable objects, and heterosexuality rather than bisexuality is natural. This encourages individual women to believe they have something to offer to men beyond reproductive labour and servitude; we do have sex to offer, but not uniquely, either as individuals or as a sex.
While women believe the myth of being adored as the bringer of sex, while they believe they have a monopoly on that power; they can easily be induced to leave their sisters and become owned by men.
So covert homosexuality, the myth of female as a primary object and desire of male sexual attraction, work in keeping the vast majority of females sucked into this mythical world, and their reproductive capacity and lives are diverted into supporting males.
Back to our little internet dude, masquerading as 16-17yo girls. His repressed homosexuality and internalised homophobia is manifesting itself towards primarily heterosexual males (because his internalised homophobia is so strong, openly gay men also remind him of that fear). He picks the ‘identity’ of 16-17yo girls because he knows what het dudes find desirable (for a variety of reasons, which I won’t go into here).
Given his charade and inability to deal with his internalised homophobia, this can only lead to an eventual declaration of “I have always felt like a woman inside” (plus copious amounts of rewriting the history and narrative to cover why he didn’t ‘transition’ earlier). And when he comes out as ‘twanz’ he will likely continue to seek out either het males (whom can be homophobically dangerous) or very closeted gay males, very much like Ally Collina. This type of M2T is extremely woman-hating and vicious towards actual FAB females, nor do they have any qualms about using females as a reproductive slave class either. The other manifestation of their misogyny is the belief that they are ‘far superior’ to FABs.
I didn’t read all of the responses to the post, but a number of them were “be understanding, embrace his kink” sort of rubbish. At least one response nailed the ‘sexual orientation’.
Anyway, females need to wake up that the main object of males’ desires is themselves and other males, not females. The male homo closet is bulging.