RL horror stories: a surrendered wifey


Over at Cath’s “More on husbands and their entitlement to sex” thread, this comment came in today, from a married woman. Most of the other comments were from menz moaning about how wifey won’t put out for them.

M. Walker | March 2, 2011 at 12:54 am |

My sex drive is virtually zero yet I willingly allow my husband to have sex with me on a weekly basis. After our third child I became less and less interested in sex and withdrew my consent. My husband was very understanding but after a year or so I noticed that he was becoming a much more aggressive person (verbally) towards me and the children, and was unhappy about everything. We talked and it came out that he really wanted to have sex with me and felt frustrated. He’s a very decent man and wouldn’t cheat on me.

I thought about it and realised that my prime responsibility was to my children, and our family life was suffering as a result of our lack of sex. I told him he could have sex with me once a week. I have to lubricate myself and I never really enjoy it but it isn’t an ordeal. Its nowhere near as bad as going to the dentist and its over within 15 minutes.

The long and short of it is that my husband is far more easier to live with. He is much more patient with the kids and our family life is greatly improved.

We have no problems giving blood, bone marrow and kidneys to our loved ones so why should our sexual parts be any different? And if I have consented to give blood and a person takes that blood when needed then there should be no stigma on that person. Why should it be any different with sex?

The greater good is what is important and in my case the greater good results in my husband and my children being much happier. People will children understand this as they often sacrifice part of their own desires and wants to promote the happiness of their children.

Well, I could not really contain myself, and responded with:

FAB Libber | March 2, 2011 at 11:57 am |

yet I willingly allow my husband to have sex with me on a weekly basis
Well, it is not really “sex” by definition, even though you have ‘consented’. What you have consented to is to be used as a masturbatory device by your husband. You tolerate it, you don’t enjoy it, and you lube yourself up like any other masturbatory device. You have agreed that he can use your body in this manner.

I have to echo Polly’s earlier point: What sort of person wants to have sex with someone who is unwilling?

Given free choice, you would not willingly participate. Submission is not the same as willingness (or full consensual participation).

We have no problems giving blood, bone marrow and kidneys to our loved ones so why should our sexual parts be any different?
Comparing life-threatening conditions with non-life-threatening ones? He will not die without sex, or masturbating into a female body.

but after a year or so I noticed that he was becoming a much more aggressive person (verbally) towards me and the children, and was unhappy about everything
That is actually emotional blackmail. The fact that he would take it out, verbally or otherwise, on to the children is extremely worrying, and alludes to his character as an abuser. Yes, that is right, an abuser. So again you have to ask yourself what sort of person (that you are married to) would take out not getting his own way, onto other people (the children) who have no connection with the source of that frustration.

On a more simplistic level, the message you are teaching your children is to submit to bullies. Is that seriously the type of life lesson you want to teach them?

The long and short of it is that my husband is far more easier to live with. He is much more patient with the kids and our family life is greatly improved.
Congratulations. You have been successfully trained like the family pet, using a punishment/reward system.

Now, the thing of it is, getting back to his personality of taking out his frustrations onto those not responsible for those problems – what happens if something else in his life goes wrong (like losing his job), a problem you cannot fix, have no control over. Analysis of your domestic history indicates that he will take it out on you and the kids. Think about it. How on earth do you think domestic violence situations develop over time? Yeah, it starts off with smaller stuff, manipulation, sulking, tantrums to get his way. That has proved successful, so he will employ that successful strategy over and over again, because it works. Taking out his frustrations out on innocent targets is also proven in his history.

And finally, it is clear that he actually regards you as his own domestic prostitute, not an equal, not a wife, not a partner. Your payment is his niceness. Withdraw your prostitution services, and he withdraws payment.

Hopefully you do not have any daughters. Because that is one hell of a lesson about marriage that you are teaching them, to ‘submit’ to ‘sex’. Also, that they have have the equivalent personhood of a blow-up doll.

Yeah I know, I am not one of the warm-fuzzy feminists, I was probably a bit harsh. But the woman is riding a huge barge on that river in Egypt.

The link to the comment is:
toomuchtosayformyself.com/2011/01/18/more-on-husbands-and-their-entitlement-to-sex/#comment-7535

Cath knows I won’t link directly to hers, because she has so many lefty MRAs and sex pozzie trolls that I can well do without.

On that same entitlement thread, one dude, a new commenter to Cath’s blog, made himself right at home. Not only did he keep posting hypotheticals, but refused to listen to any advice coming from the FAABs, and eventually became a “Dear Carl” on the thread for other menz. Talk about lack of respect for women’s boundaries. I eventually took it upon myself to tell him to fuck off and get his own damn blog, because Cath is a bit polite (she even has trouble banning the dicks).

41 thoughts on “RL horror stories: a surrendered wifey

  1. FAB Libber

    Yeah, probably more warmer-fuzzier feminists should go there and balance out my non-compromising stance.

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  2. maggie

    my mouth hit the floor when I read that. I wanted to comment along the lines of ‘pull yourself together woman’ but decided not to. Your response is spot on. However she is right. He would seek services elsewhere. I may respond that her post is the saddest thing I’ve read on this subject. So much resignment in the face of all those entittled doods. I hope they read her post and hang their dicks in shame.

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  3. FAB Libber

    Yes, my exact reaction “pull yourself together woman”. And some sadness.
    I played the children angle a few times, because I think that is the only way to get through to her. She does not have a sense of self.

    I might have another crack at it later. The kidney transplant stuff was surreal. No, dudely husband will NOT die if he does not get to stick his dick into you, but he will sulk and get verbally abusive if he does not. MANipulation. Emotional blackmail.

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  4. Jilla

    I think its’s a dude planted post. Probably “Dear Carl” to give him something to hang his bigotry on.

    Such a situation usually happens because there’s nothing in it for the wife. Then, she doesn’t withhold sex because she’s not interested, but because there’s no satisfaction in it for her and a lot of frustration. She’s probably tried to change that and he won’t co-operate, viewing sex only as something he gets not something beneficial for both of them. You’ve heard the expression wham, bam, thank you m’am? This is a male complaint. This is a male idea of sex. Demand and you’re happy. A woman tries to change it, educate (both of them if necessary), asks that they see a counsellor, goes herself if he won’t.

    This is a male troll-planted ‘problem’ with a male solution. Like a flashing neon sign.

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  5. Sargasso Sea

    Congrats FAB Libber! You’re the first to break my heart this morning!

    I don’t know why I am surprised when I read things like that and I have to remind myself that this is typical female reality world-wide.

    Your response was perfect and I’d characterize it as *though love* rather than harsh.

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  6. Cath Elliott

    I am way too polite, I know I am. But I did manage to ban the other guy, although he’s still spamming my blog with his inane fucking comments days later.

    I think the comment from M Walker was genuine. And yes, one of the saddest comments I’ve seen. 😦

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  7. veganprimate

    Your response was spot on, FAB Libber. Gosh, that is so sad. The paternal side of my family can be a wee bit religious, and I know people like that. My aunt firmly believes that her body belongs not to her but to her husband. Gag.

    This NEVER goes the other way round. You never have men mopping the floor once a week to placate their wives.

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  8. ball buster

    I don’t buy the whole idea that men need sex to live. That’s a bunch of bullshit. If that were the case, all they’d need to do is go whack off in the bathroom once a day. They wouldn’t need porn or even another human being at all, if it were a purely physical function meant to sustain life. The fact that men *need* to rape their wives to get off indicates a whole other “need” entirely. The need to oppress via sex.

    I don’t think you’re being too harsh but then that’s just me. You’re telling the truth. Women are bought and sold, there is no other way around it. Men will always measure the success of their relationships by how much money or resources it costs them, not by what they learn from it. In one sense or another, men believe that women can be bought, it only becomes glaringly apparent how terrible this is when we start being sold.

    Yeah, that asshole is a rapist. He’s raping his wife. The fact that men, men not labeled rapists by criminal standards, find this normal is horrifying to say the least.

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  9. Jilla

    “I don’t buy the whole idea that men need sex to live. That’s a bunch of bullshit. If that were the case, all they’d need to do is go whack off in the bathroom once a day. They wouldn’t need porn or even another human being at all, if it were a purely physical function meant to sustain life. The fact that men *need* to rape their wives to get off indicates a whole other “need” entirely. The need to oppress via sex. ”

    Excellent. Saalam. Saalam.

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  10. FAB Libber

    On Cath’s ‘entitlement’ post, there are loads and loads of dudes claiming that wacking off is not a substitute (blah blah). So it has absolutely nothing to do with sexual release, and everything to do with their domination “need”. I think it is something to do with marking their turf, and a “need” to invade/impose on their wife. The dudes on that thread, apart from not bothering to listen or take the advice from females, also showed signs of not respecting boundaries.
    They are boundary invaders.

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  11. Jilla

    Whacking off is only dude worthy when they are watching a porn movie, taking part in a gang rape, in a circle jerk, or can say “I’d hit that” to other brain dead morons.

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  12. FAB Libber

    Hi Cath, finally checked my pending comments and rescued yours (the rest will go through now).
    Yes, you are so damn polite! None of those dudes would have lasted more than one comment (if that) if they tried that here (because I am totally mean and unreasonable, to menz anyway).

    There is suspicion that the comment was a set-up, courtesy of your resident MRAs (or probably one of the few you banned). Did the email addy look as if it was a genuine one, or some disposable gmail-type jobbie?

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  13. FAB Libber

    She came back with:

    M. Walker | March 3, 2011 at 1:58 am |

    Fab Libber, maybe my husband is emotionally blackmailing me for sex but are we not all guilty of blackmailing each other for the things we want? Is any type of emotional blackmail any greater or lesser than any other? When I say to my children, “Mummy will not be very happy if you did that” am I not trying to blackmail them into doing stuff by refering to my own emotions?
    In fact Fab Libber you are trying to emotionally blackmail me by misrepresenting what I said in order to satisfy your own emotional needs. I said “We had sex”, while you said, “It is not sex … my husband is using me as a masturbatory device”. Your words are a misrepresentation of mine and you have done this in an attempt to manipulate my emotions to satisfy your own needs. Your words are negatively charged for your purpose, to prove yourself right on this forum. But they are a form of deception.

    Like me make this very clear to you, I have sex with my husband. Got that? I have sex with my husband. Got that..my husband is not masturbating on me. I willingly have sex with my husband. Got that? Willingly. I have consented and it is of my own free will. I have a choice on this matter. Either I have it or I don’t. I understand the consequences of my choice. I don’t need someone like you moralising me on my choices and telling me if I had free choice. I have free choice. Got that? What do you know of bringing up three children? Probably nothing. You have all your ideas on this matter from a book.

    And who the hell are you to suggest that there is something wrong with my husband for wanting to have sex with me, and having sex with me? He’s a decent man. Got that? A very decent man and I’m lucky to have him by my side helping me with my children. I and my children need him.

    Your attitude is one of a conservative moralising prig who scoops to misrepresentation, devious innuedo and nasty mockery to emotionally blackmail others to satisy her own selfious needs. Got that?

    And I returned fire with:

    FAB Libber | March 3, 2011 at 11:06 am |

    Consent equals:
    Fully informed choice, non-coerced choice, full honesty/disclosure, no disparity of rank/age/position

    Consent does not equal:
    Agreements obtained by manipulation, coercion, lying, threats, or unspoken threats/bad behaviour for non-compliance, blackmail (emotional or otherwise), financial transactions, drugging, or disparity of rank/position/age

    Going by what you said in that one comment (and that was all I had to go on) your situation/agreement with your husband whilst sort of covering most of ‘consent’, when viewed with what ‘consent’ is not, fits more completely there. Re-read those definitions, let them sink in.

    Your description of lubing-up before ‘sex’ is quite telling. Lack of vaginal lubrication is caused by one of two things, either a hormone imbalance (and some post-menopausal women are subject to it) or psychological reasons (meaning your brain does not want to do it). Therefore, you have a problem, and your first step should actually be getting your hormone levels checked, you could even be peri-menopausal, for an early menopause. The fact that this also occurred after the last child could mean your hormone balance did not return properly. However, when we cover the psychological reasons, these actually can include not wanting to get pregnant again (which is common with women who felt they had enough children already), or lack of sexual desire for the partner (usually caused, in women, by male partners being so damn self-centred and obsessed with his own orgasm and pleasure, that it becomes a chore to ‘supply sex’). Really common. If I was to take a guess, I would guess that it is a subconscious desire on your part not to have any more children. In that case, encourage your so-called ‘nice husband’ to get the snip (and freeze some tadpoles if you think you as a couple will change your mind).

    If the underlying reasons, either physical or psychological are not addressed, then long term your situation will lead to resentment on your part. What you are doing now is not addressing the causes, but merely treating symptoms.

    Another point from your original post, is that the phrasing of your having to use lube in order to ‘have sex’ with your husband is indicative of a martyr complex, that you are making these sacrifices ‘for your family’.

    Truly consensual sex is not ‘a sacrifice’, is not ‘a chore’, and requires the active participation of both (or all??) parties involved, free from coercion or manipulation or deceit. If it does not meet this criteria, then it is either rape or masturbation with another person.

    Although I do not want to derail the thread by going into the upbringing of children, the subject of ‘emotional blackmail’ still holds for relationships between partners, or parent/child. It is not an acceptable method of negotiating behaviour from another person, and it is completely dishonest. So yeah, I will cop the ‘moral’ label you throw at me for not approving of dishonesty.

    Children actually respond better to an honest exchange, (delivery and language determined by age group/maturity) than by emotional blackmail, begging, threats. Children actually flock to me like some sort of pied piper, because I deal with them honestly, and basically like short people who need some guidance in the right direction. “Mommy won’t be happy if you…” is not good parenting. “Please do not do that because (either x will happen from your actions) or this is not acceptable behaviour because …”. Not begging, not pleading, not emotional blackmail.

    Emotional blackmail has no part in adult intimate relationships, it shows that the party using it on the other party is immature (&/or manipulative). Two-year-olds throw tantrums to get their own way. Manipulative behaviour that manifests itself into abusiveness (verbal or physical) means that person is a bully and an abuser. Hence, I really do not believe that your husband is such a nice guy. Take your blinkers off.

    Trying to label me conservative and ‘moral’ as a way to make me see that you have made mature choices is absolute crap, and I don’t fall for the manipulation. If you actually knew the details of my past (which I will not share online) calling me ‘conservative’ is a bit of a joke. I am only ‘moral’ in the regards of expecting honest, mature dealings with people. So sue me.

    The next two steps that you are to take are to make an appointment with an endocrinologist and to meditate on the issue of whether you want more children or not. Do not bother trying to reply with further justifications and excuses. Or how damn good you think your husband is. On that last point, I will not change my mind, such manipulation tactics are inexcusable.

    Good gawd, calling me conservative, when she is the one married with kids? I was going to add that she is in her 30s, but that might have freaked her out.

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  14. Jilla

    I think she’s doing the best she can. She’s staying with an abusive man. Who here that has been in a het relationship has not done that? And in fact, many lesbians have done it too. And to bring up a name we know, I believe Witchy makes her living dealing with women like this, who need to know we are sympathic, understand, will not blame her.

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  15. FAB Libber

    Given the second comment, I don’t think she is a troll, too much justification going on.
    I did want to her to see that emotional manipulation/blackmail is abusive, and the way that the husband has used it was part of the abuser toolkit (but her Nigel is apparently more wunderful than sliced bread), and I have offered her practical and grown-up solutions for the situation, because she does indeed show a lack of maturity, but is under the delusion of being fully mature (she is “married, with kids, she must! be a grown up now”). Case study: Menz, proves the point that just because you reach a certain chronological age, does not mean you are a grown up.

    Due to the platform of blogging, it is not possible to take a slow, soft handed guidance/therapy strategy. It is hoped that a few key phrases will hit the mark in her brain. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, but somehow, it will hopefully happen. Probably calling her Nigel an abusive prick is not the best way to win her over, but hopefully the points about Nigel taking out his lack of dick privileges out on the kids might make her think when he starts using same tactics in other areas to get his way.

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  16. joy

    I love the phrase “helping with the kids.” They are HIS FUCKING KIDS!

    Yes, they are hers too, but when women do the same work, it’s never HELP. It’s WORK.

    Men are such assholes.

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  17. Jilla

    She’s in a really bad situation. Probably no-one in her family or friend circle who has held out a hand.

    No argument at all about the (thing). Can’t bring myself to assign him a position in the family.

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  18. joy

    I know, I’m not trying to victim-blame. Just that her mindset is so pervasive, so common, and so … regressive and limiting. You hear this all the time from partnered het women, especially those with children.

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  19. FAB Libber

    I just re-read her comment again, obviously initially I was trying to the concept of fully informed, fully willing ‘consent’ into her head. What struck me on the second reading was:
    And who the hell are you to suggest that there is something wrong with my husband for wanting to have sex with me, and having sex with me? He’s a decent man. Got that? A very decent man and I’m lucky to have him by my side helping me with my children. I and my children need him.
    Apart from the RAMPANT defensiveness (of “got that?” both in this par and the next), there is the underlying motivations of her ‘deal-making’ (last two sentences of par above). In part it is the propaganda-view of ‘marriage’, a complete misunderstanding of (the boundaries) of sacrifice (with perhaps some martyrdom thrown in on top for good measure) – she is playing “the good woman, the good wife”.

    And a shit-load of her projection running through the entire comment. It ain’t me who is conservative, emotionally blackmailing/manipulating, and the choicest bit “form of deception” phrase used, particularly in a nest of projection.

    But, I have to say, the level of defensiveness (of “got that?”) used throughout, shows that my advice certainly hit her buttons. Hopefully the message and understanding will sink in at a point in the future. I did not expect instant realisation on her part.

    At least she is armed with the knowledge that Nigel has an abusive/manipulative personality, and if he goes further down the abuser path, that knowledge may pop back into her head and she will know enough to leave or get help/support.

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  20. Sargasso Sea

    Yeah, I’d say you hit some buttons. And yes this poor woman is doing the best she can but damn!

    It’s no fun to tell another woman straight up that the whole world lied to her and now she’s fucking TRAPPED for doing what she thought was the right thing.

    If she does wake up you will have had a big hand in it I’m sure, FL. I’d say it was a job very well done.

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  21. FAB Libber

    Are you got-thatting-me there Sar? (LOL)

    Yeah, I know it’s sad. But sometimes you just have to cut to the chase and tell it how it is.

    But perhaps, just perhaps, she will now take off those rozy-coloured goggles when she glances over at Dear Nigel…

    Part of the plan of the Evol Libber Corporation, all rights reserved.

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  22. joy

    As someone who has been in abusive relationships, I’m gonna guess that she might not -really- have rose-colored glasses. She’s just pretending to defend Nigel, because otherwise she has to admit to herself that her life is hell and she’s trapped.

    (I never defended my abuser online, though — I secretly read radical feminist blogs, and also IBTP’s “post on marriage”, constantly and cried because I knew they were true. I did have to pretend to defend him to others in real life, because if he was there he would get angry, and if he wasn’t there, the people I admitted the abuse to often tried to stage interventions. No one ever once offered to secretly spirit me away — they always wanted to confront him, and publicly, before they ‘helped me’ escape. They never listened when I told them he’d only hunt us down and kill us. I did not know enough radical feminists then.)

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  23. Jilla

    I doubt she is wearing rose-coloured glasses. It’s herself she’s defending, probably because she believes she’s the one in the wrong. We know why she would believe that, but.. . .

    I also will say flat out, where exactly will she go? And how? She is looking, desperate, and sure she, SHE can find some way to make it work. But she’s at Cath’s, isn’t she?

    I can’t right now, rushing out to see a gyne, but I wish Joy, you could post there and say “been there done that”, in some way.

    xxxoo To all you smart wonderful women here, who enlighten, teach and sustain me.

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  24. FAB Libber

    Eh, I have actually been on the receiving end of a homicidal maniac. Got the t-shirt and souvenior mug.
    Joy, she needs to realise the true nature of Nigel, and stop denying it. That is the biggest, most important step, to see Nigel for the manipulative scum that he is. To realise that her ‘consent’ is not really freely given without condition.

    Good luck at the gynae Jilla. True bravery.

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  25. joy

    “Joy, she needs to realise the true nature of Nigel, and stop denying it. That is the biggest, most important step, to see Nigel for the manipulative scum that he is. To realise that her ‘consent’ is not really freely given without condition.”

    Oh, definitely. And I never once doubted your cred, FABLibber!

    I commented over there, too, and it’s awaiting moderation.

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  26. Linda Radfem

    I’m still not convinced that it’s not a troll. It screams male perspective, especially the idea that men “need” sex, and the repeated claim to “decency”, too decent to cheat and therefore must use wifey as a dick hole. Even more so after the second post.

    And who the hell are you to suggest that there is something wrong with my husband for wanting to have sex with me, and having sex with me? He’s a decent man. Got that? A very decent man and I’m lucky to have him by my side helping me with my children. I and my children need him.

    This is exactly the kind of reasoning abusers resort to when defending themselves. They convince themselves that they are participating in a fair exchange of services, or the economic exchange model. This is a common rationale from those in the father’s rights crowd. They also constantly use their children’s “happiness” as a defense in the way that the author of this post has done. And abusers have enough insight into their victims that they really could masquerade as a victim themselves if they wanted to.

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  27. Linda Radfem

    Not that there aren’t plenty of ultraconservative, pious wives who take the job of nannying nigel very seriously. I just can’t see such a genteel woman sharing personal details such as lubing up, so freely.

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  28. thebewilderness

    She cannot afford to embrace reality until she is ready to escape.
    In the meanwhile she will try to manage the abuser as best she can.
    She has chose to put her husband and childrens well being ahead of her own.
    That is what women are conditioned to do.
    I hope it comforts her until she begins to see the pattern of abuse and makes a plan.

    I hear these women called surrender wives and it makes me cringe. They are submit, or die, wives whose lives are under total control of their abusive spouses. As long as the abuse does not exceed the socially acceptable level or include the children these women feel relatively safe. Relatively. Lucky to have him. because he is not as bad as Hitler. They know that there is no safe place for women in this, or any other society. Especially women with small children.

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  29. FAB Libber

    As long as the abuse does not exceed the socially acceptable level or include the children these women feel relatively safe.
    Socially acceptable level, oh yes. Excellent commentary there TBW.

    The saddest of all is that many do not even think about leaving until he threatens the children, they don’t care about themselves.

    This woman needs to realise that his is an abuser, and that he has ALREADY taken it out on the children through no fault of their own. Perhaps that is what brought out the mega defensiveness in her. Might have been a penny dropping in the back of her head.

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  30. northernsea

    There is a difference between doing this kind of intervention/work on the net and doing the same in real life. Hopefully she will hear what you have said. My experience in real life is that they are very very afraid to take the step away and they want lots and lots of support even to the tune of blaming you if you give it, so they do not have to attain their own independence. What she needs is real life support. However, I have found that one has to be careful not to create a new dependence on you as saviour. Hell, I do not want dependents. While it is relatively safe on the net, in real life the guy would be going after you which is what alot of women shelters have found to be the case.
    Rhondda

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  31. FAB Libber

    Hi Linda, welcome. Just rescued you out of mod.
    And abusers have enough insight into their victims that they really could masquerade as a victim themselves if they wanted to.

    mmm. Interesting. I was more convinced that it was genuine second time around, but yes, there could well be inconsistencies. The “But they are a form of deception.” line was a bloody weird one. We shall see if there is a round #3, pretense can only be kept up for so long.

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  32. FAB Libber

    Hi Rhondda, welcome.
    Yes, have had a few try to become dependent on me. Not in the market for dependants, two moggies are enough. I do try to help, and try to set boundaries for independence (not always successful), and sometimes I have to withdraw completely.

    You can change your screen name btw, up the top in the grey thing, My Account, Edit Profile, Screen name. Easy peasy.

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  33. Jilla

    Linda Radfem says:
    March 3, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    I’m still not convinced that it’s not a troll.

    ~~~~~~~

    Me too and for exactly the reason you gave. Or it’s some funfem being directed by a male, say this, say that. Aren’t we having fun.

    That fire at someone telling her it’s NOT FUN she’s having. Ha. Dead giveaway.

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  34. northernsea

    Sorry that I am not so internet savoy, but what top are you talking about? When I log into a wordpress site they only ask for user name and password. Are you saying to go into wordpress itself? Sorry, there are some blogs that I do not use my real name.
    Some I will sign as I did with yours. Rhondda

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  35. veganprimate

    I had an issue with a dependent woman. She was separated, with a toddler, and was getting some type of government assistance. She latched onto me and would call or stop over almost every day (I was two doors up in an apartment complex). I think she had dependent personality disorder. I tried to help her with her resume and agreed to watch her son while she went on job interviews and whatnot. She made really idiotic decisions that required people to constantly bail her out. She also had epilepsy and would not take her medication. She would never know when a seizure would strike. She would drive a car with her son in it without taking her meds.

    One time she called me in the middle of the night. I let it go to voicemail. The message said something about her not feeling well and could I come down and check on her? WTF? That’s really immature. That’s what a kid says to his mommy in the middle of the night. An adult gets up and takes some aspirin or pepto or something and goes back to bed.

    So the next day I had a talk with her and laid down some boundaries. I told her she was never to call me in the middle of the night. If it’s bad enough, that’s what 911 is for. If it isn’t that bad, then it’s not bad enough to wake somebody up. After that, it was as if I dropped off the face of the earth, as far as she was concerned. She never talked to me again. I thought that was odd, but when I read about dependent personality disorder, it made sense. Wikipeda says this: “It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship.”

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  36. northernsea

    Yes, Veganprimate, that has been my experience also. It is very hard to keep boundaries as ‘they’ are very dependence people. Because they are so desperate and really do need help they prey on one’s good will and that is the classic role of women to offer help etc. This is where it gets insidious, for one wants to help other woman, but also keep ones autonomous self intact. It plays on the martyr role that the patriarchy defines for women. So if you go for what you want, there are always others you will attack you for not helping them. I have deliberately returned women to their husbands because they have refused to take control of their lives and have expected me to take on the husband role. Sorry no, that is not what it is about. Rhondda

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  37. FAB Libber

    ok, after her third comment, I caved to popular opinion and went with the troll assessment.

    Because they are so desperate and really do need help they prey on one’s good will
    Yes, that is the sad part, they really do need the help.

    @ Rhondda
    It was just whether or not you wanted to change the screenname, from northernsea to Rhondda, nothing to do with your logins (other than having to login to change it!!). It does not change your login info at all, just how your name appears on comments.

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